


Two Holes Polyamory

by pt_tucker



Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII, Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Fluff and Humor, M/M, Porn Video, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-06
Updated: 2017-05-06
Packaged: 2018-10-28 13:52:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10832607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pt_tucker/pseuds/pt_tucker
Summary: Don't you just hate it when you send a porn link to your boyfriend and it turns out you actually sent it to...everyone?Zack hates it. Zack hates it a lot. Which is why he's on a mission to stop people from opening the message. If he can.





	Two Holes Polyamory

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is an interesting piece of work that has a somewhat interesting reason for existing. You see, one day while in chat, we were messing around with copying and pasting the AO3 tags of various fics into the chat and it turns out that when you do that they sort of get jumbled into one big mess. Which resulted in some very unique new tags.
> 
> Thus, Two Holes Polyamory was born! After I tried to convince someone else to write a fic with that title...and failed...it was clearly up to me to write it instead. So here's almost 6000 words that I randomly came up with to try to fit said title. Enjoy.
> 
>  **FYI:** I'm writing this with the assumption that Zack is nineteen while Cloud is eighteen, and are therefore both adults. Also, there is a canonical power imbalance between them relating to their military ranks, but we're all going to pretend that it wouldn't negatively affect their relationship.

Zack had a lot of friends. _A lot_ of friends. More than he could count. And he had a lot of people that he was friend _ly_ with. The people he met were just so awesome!

As a result, his contact list had gotten pretty big over the years, something which he’d never minded. Sure, it was a little distracting to get a message from the sweet old lady who ran the bagel shop in Sector Six while he was running through the wastelands trying not to get eaten by the Midgard Zolom, but, really, how could he say no to those cat pictures she was always sending him? 

And the ‘Turk Tip of the Day’? Surprisingly hilarious, even if Angeal had smacked him upside the head when he’d started giggling in the middle of a meeting with the Vice President. 

Well, maybe the hilarity wasn’t that surprising. The ‘tip’ was usually Tseng passive-aggressively ragging on all the things Reno and Rude got up to throughout the day. They, apparently, got up to quite a bit. 

So, yeah, Zack had a lot of contacts on his PHS. But only one of them was his absolutely wonderful, totally adorable, terrifically awesome boyfriend. 

He’d been trying to send the adult link he’d found to said boyfriend when he’d…not.

Not only.

Zack stared at the list of recipients. Stared at it hard. Like his staring was going to take back the fact that he’d sent over three hundred people a link to a porno titled _Two Holes Polyamory._

Oh Gaia.

He was off the sofa and out the door before he’d even finished slipping his PHS into his pocket.

“Hey Zack!” Luxiere waved as Zack rushed past.

“Hey!” Zack called back, not stopping.

He was almost to the elevators when he realized that Luxiere was on his contact list and about to head home for the night. Meaning he was about to start going through his non-mission messages. Zack bolted back in the other direction. His fingers caught the apartment door right before it closed, and he pulled it open to find a startled Luxiere on the other side.

He started talking before Luxiere could say anything in response to him technically breaking into his apartment. “So, this is kind of weird, but can I have your PHS?”

Luxiere blinked. “My PHS?”

Zack nodded. Then gave him a dazzling smile, just for good measure.

“Uh, sure, I guess.” Luxiere handed it over. “What-”

Zack slipped it into his pocket and darted back down the hallway. “Sorry! No time to talk! I’ll bring it back, I swear!” He was back at the elevators in an instant, leaving a confused Luxiere to frown at him from his apartment door. 

He slid past an exiting SOLDIER before yanking him back into the elevator by his collar.

“What the hell, man? I know I’m irresistible, but this is a little too fast, even for me.”

“So irresistible,” Zack deadpanned, far too used to Suza’s antics by now. “Hey, can I borrow your PHS?”

Suza shrugged and fished it out of his pocket for him. “Sure, why not? Do I get anything for it?” He held the PHS just out of reach.

Zack gave him a bright smile.

Suza sighed and handed it over. “Guess that’ll have to do. But remember, if you and blondie ever want to add a little spice to your love life…” Suza pointed his thumbs at himself. 

Zack laughed. “I’ll keep it in mind.”

Suza glanced at the elevator buttons. “The Turk floor? Should I be worried?”

“Nope! Everything’s fine.” The elevator stopped, and Zack was out before the doors had even fully opened. 

“Yeah, everything looks _totally_ fine. Normal people run around the building like it’s on fire all the time!” Suza called after him.

“I’ll get this back to you!” Zack turned to give a mocking salute and got to see Suza roll his eyes right before the elevator doors closed on him.

Shaking his head, Zack jogged over to the room on the left. He slid his ShinRa ID through the card reader, and there was a beep before the door clicked open. Zack peaked inside. One could never be too careful with the Turks. Rumors around the building were that last time someone popped in unexpectedly, they got shot. 

And, well, Zack could take a couple of bullets, but he’d really rather not. Especially since the ‘witnesses’ to said shooting had mysteriously disappeared not a day later.

The Turk offices weren’t so much offices as a place for the Turks to hang out while they weren’t working. According to Cissnei, and Tseng’s passive-aggressive emails, they were _supposed_ to be working, but Turks didn’t really do paperwork. In the end, they usually sat around until they got a call from one of the higher-ups saying they required an escort or until they were assigned one of their mysterious Turk tasks.

Speaking of Cissnei…

“Hey.” Zack waved at the woman as he drew closer.

“Hey yourself.” She looked up from her computer. 

Walking around to the side of the desk revealed that she’d been playing the latest otome horror romance. Zack remembered that one. He didn’t know what he’d done wrong, but he’d ended up getting eaten by one of the upperclassmen. _Not_ how he’d been expecting his digital date to go.

Cloud hadn’t stopped laughing all night after he’d told him.

“Can I have your PHS?” Zack asked, a tentative smile curling his lips upwards ever-so-slightly.

“No.” Cissnei smiled back.

Well, it’d been worth a try. 

Switching to a different tactic - the reason he’d come here in the first place - he said, “I need your help. I accidentally sent something I shouldn’t have to all my contacts and now I really need you to work your Turk magic and take it back?” He pressed his palms together as he silently begged for her help. 

“What makes you think I could do something like that?” she asked coolly. 

“Call it a hunch.”

The Turks totally could do something like that. He _knew_ they could. But whether they’d do it for him, and in such an obvious display of their scary Turk power…

He gave her his best puppy look. 

Cissnei pulled out her PHS.

“Don’t look!” Zack started forward, but stopped before he actually ripped the PHS out of her hands. For one, it would have been unbelievably rude. And for two, he really did want to live to see his next birthday. 

Cissnei raised an eyebrow. 

“Please?” 

She glanced at the PHS and then at him and then at the PHS again, before sighing and handing it over. “Delete the message from my inbox. _Don’t_ look at anything else or I’ll be forced to throw you out the window and make it look like a terrible accident.”

Zack did as instructed. He wasn’t certain how a 5’4” unenhanced woman was going to toss him out a bullet-proof window, but he didn’t doubt that she’d find a way.

He handed the PHS back when he was done. “Will you help me?” The puppy look came out again.

“You’re lucky you’re cute,” she said. Zack puffed up at the compliment. “Give me your PHS.” He did and she spun around to her computer and plugged it into one of the USB drives. “Is it the last message you sent?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay then. I’ll do what I can, but I won’t be able to delete it out of everyone’s inbox. Some people have special security measures that won’t allow outside access.”

“Security against you guys?”

“Tuesti designed a lot of the software ShinRa uses for these.” She held up the PHS. “Apparently he doesn’t want us taking over the entire network at will, and has put roadblocks in our path to stop us from accessing certain parts of it. We’ve asked him to remove the blocks, but he claims it’s a ‘learning’ program that’s designed to outthink hacking attempts.”

Zack whistled. Tuesti’s spine must be made of solid steel. Who’d have thought it would be the Director of _Urban Development_ who would be the one to stand up to the Turks like that?

“The President hasn’t made him find a way to fix it?”

“Tuesti has convinced the President it’s a failsafe in the event we ever get hacked. If the Turks can control the ShinRa communications system, and someone ends up controlling our connection to the system…”

“He’s not exactly wrong,” Zack pointed out. He didn’t want some Wutai hacker to steal all the adorable pictures Cloud had sent him over the years. And, well, he had important classified stuff on there too. But mostly he didn’t want them to steal Cloud’s sleepy ‘good morning’ smiles he sent Zack whenever either of them were away on assignment.

“Done. If anyone asks, I didn’t help you.” She handed the PHS back to him.

“They’ll know it had to have been a Turk.”

“Blame Reno. He gets in enough trouble that they won’t even ask him to corroborate the story and on some off chance he finds out, he’ll agree because he gets a kick out of these kind of things.”

“He won’t get in trouble?” Zack didn’t want people to get screwed over because of his mishap.

“You get the Turk Tip of the Day, don’t you?”

Yeah…now that he thought about it, if Reno could somehow get away with ‘accidentally’ electrocuting Scarlet, _twice,_ he could get away with anything.

“I see your point.”

Cissnei nodded. “Like I said, some PHSes won’t allow an outside deletion. Turks, SOLDIER Firsts, Director-level executives and above, certain members of the Science Department, and a handful of others Tuesti has deemed important enough to be kept secure. Not to mention Tuesti himself, obviously. You’ll have to delete theirs manually.”

Zack winced. That was a lot of people.

“What’s the likelihood of Tuesti agreeing to delete the message if I ask him?” Zack hadn’t had much contact with the man, though people said he was an okay guy.

“Not likely, considering that would show the company that he can get around his ‘learning’ program. We already know he’s lying, but we can’t prove it unless he outs himself.”

Damn. 

Zack glanced at the time. Some of the people had to have read it by now, no way around that. Any SOLDIERs out on assignment were likely a lost cause: there was no way to reach them before they opened the message, unless they were the rare type to wait until they got home to look them over, like Luxiere. Most of them usually flipped through their communications on the transport back to headquarters.

The majority of the Turks were out of the question as well. If they hadn’t already looked at it, then they probably weren’t going to be as nice as Cissnei about allowing him to delete it off without viewing it. 

That narrowed it down to the people who didn’t check their PHS every five minutes, and who weren’t likely to get the link from someone else later on, anyway.

He could get to them in time, if he hurried.

“Thanks! I owe you one.” Zack reached down to squeeze her in a quick hug and then he took off. 

Right. First things first: back to the SOLDIER floor. The executives might be easier to convince - a SOLDIER running in demanding their PHS would probably startle them enough that they gave it up out of fear it was some kind of bomb or something - but he didn’t have to see Palmer every day. The same could not be said about his fellow SOLDIERs. 

Actually, why did he even _have_ Palmer in his contact list?

He’d figure that out later.

Zack bounced on the balls of his feet while he waited for the elevator door to slide open enough for him to squeeze through, and then he was running around collecting PHSes from all of the SOLDIER Firsts hanging out in the lounge area. He repeated the process in the Training Room - only one First there, unfortunately - and the Materia room - the scientists insisted that they were agreeing only because he provided them with such great research opportunities, but Zack heard them mutter on his way out about having an excuse to ignore Hojo for a few hours. 

Next was the Director’s Office, but the look he sent Zack through the glass was enough to have him spinning on his heel and dashing back down the hall. A flush crawled up his neck. Damn. He’d have to start accepting all of his missions by PHS. That or risk stammering and blushing every time he was in Lazard’s presence. 

He ran into Genesis on his way back towards the elevator. Literally ran into him, as the other man stepped directly into his path. It was like running into a mountain and ended with Zack on his ass in the middle of hallway, staring up at the notorious SOLDIER First with wide eyes.

“What was that for?”

“Rumors are that you’re collecting PHSes?”

Zack rubbed the back of his neck. “Uh, kind of, I-” A PHS landed in his lap.

“Take it.” Genesis strode away without another word.

Zack stared at it. Huh?

It started ringing.

Angeal’s name popped up on the caller ID. Zack really shouldn’t answer it. It wasn’t his PHS, and if Genesis was willing to dump it on him without so much as a ‘how do you do,’ then it probably meant Angeal was calling to lecture him. Capital B. I. Bad Idea.

…Maybe he’d just take a quick listen?

He flipped it open.

“You can hang up on me all you want, but I know where you live, and if you don’t take care of that Ifrit you let loose in the Science Department, I will sneak into your apartment and steal your gold-plated limited edition _LOVELESS_ and I will put it in the same room as your summon.”

Zack blinked. Wow. He’d never known Angeal could be so brutal.

“Why don’t you take care of the Ifrit yourself?”

“You know wh-” Angeal stopped. There was about ten seconds of silence where Zack cursed himself for being so stupid before the other man responded. “Zack. Why do you have Genesis’ PHS?”

“He gave it to me.”

“Why?”

“I’m sort of collecting them?”

“I see.”

Zack winced. He was in trouble. But not as much trouble as Genesis, so maybe Angeal would forget about him by the time he hunted Genesis down. And if he could get into his good graces in the meantime…

“Do you need help with the Ifrit?”

“Not your help, pup.”

Zack frowned. “I defeated him in the VR room the other day.” Barely. But if Angeal was there to help, he could totally take it on again.

“I know, and you did very well, but this one is…different. Genesis has a way with materia that’s been known to cause complications.”

“Complications?”

“It alternates between fire and ice attacks.”

“…An Ifrit?”

“Supposedly. It’ll be best to leave this one to the Firsts.”

“Okay.” Zack wilted for a second and then he perked back up as he realized he could always go fight Ifrit in the VR room. Not as cool as fighting a real summon, especially not some strange amalgamation of Ifrit and Shiva, but it was still something. He should probably return all of the PHSes first, just in case he-

Shit. Shitshitshitshitshit. He jumped to his feet.

“Hey Angeal, can I ask you for a favor?”

“Yes?” Angeal had that tone that said he was humoring him, but he wasn’t quite certain if he _should_ be humoring him. 

“Can you delete the message I sent you a little bit ago without opening it?”

“The one with the porn link?”

Zack’s cheeks lit on fire. “You looked at it, huh?”

“I did.”

“Could we maybe not talk about it…ever?”

“I wasn’t planning to.”

“Thanks. Uh, I gotta go now.”

“To get more PHSes?” Angeal was definitely amused.

Zack hung up without answering. Gaia. And to think he’d thought looking Lazard in the eye was going to be difficult from now on.

He took off again. Zack managed to nab another PHS from a SOLDIER First on his way to see Lazard, and then another two as he took the elevator to the ground level and dashed around the building’s entrance area. How many Firsts were there again?

Kunsel sidled up to him as he was mentally counting them out. “So…”

“So.” Zack took his PHS out of his pocket so that he wouldn’t have to look at him. He opened up a random menu and proceeded to mindlessly tap buttons until he found himself in last month’s Keepers of Honor newsletter without any conscious idea how he’d gotten there. 

He glanced up. Kunsel was still standing there with a far-too-pleased smile on his face.

“Sending more porn?”

Zack snapped the PHS shut. He sent a furtive look around the room, but if any of the other SOLDIERs had heard that, they were doing Zack a solid and pretending that they totally hadn’t. 

“You know, even if you delete it off of everyone’s PHSes, there’s still going to be that one person who saved it who’s just going to pass it around again.” Kunsel placed a hand on Zack’s shoulder. “You might as well accept it.”

Zack shrugged the hand off and scooted back so that he was behind one of the nearby potted plants. It didn’t really do much to cover him, but he could at least pretend that he was in hiding.

“I know,” he mumbled. 

It’d been a truth he’d been trying to ignore. And that wasn’t considering how people talking about it would be almost as bad as them watching it. 

“Did you watch it?”

“What do you think?”

Zack squatted down behind the plant and dropped his face into his hands. Gaia. He was never going to live this down!

Kunsel reached over and ruffled his hair. “Hey now, don’t worry. I’m sure that everyone will forget about it eventually. It’ll only take a few years. Less if you die heroically on a mission! You know they’d never bring it up then; it’d besmirch your memory.”

Zack shot up and started walking towards the door. A few years? He’d go somewhere where nobody had ever met ‘the guy who sent weird porn to everybody.’ Nibelheim, maybe. Cloud was always talking about how nothing ever reached them, they were so isolated. Except: cold. Zack hated the cold. He was a tropical child, through and through. But if it was either the cold or eternal embarrassment…

“So where are we going?” Kunsel asked as he followed along. 

“Nibelheim.” Zack paused outside the building. Which way was it again?

“Going to walk there, are you?”

“Yep!” He started down one of the streets.

“As your friend I feel obligated to tell you it’s in the other direction.”

Zack spun around.

A series of giggles and hushed whispers caught his attention when he was about fifteen paces down ShinRa Blvd. Zack’s head snapped towards the direction, his body already poised to run in the opposite, but a flash of silver followed by the glint of sunlight off of Masamune stopped him in his tracks. Oh. It wasn’t about him.

Zack rubbed at the back of his neck. Talk about being an ass. He suddenly felt like one of those guys who complained about having to adjust to food rations while out on long assignments, while simultaneously being the one eating most of the food. Kunsel might be wiggling his eyebrows at him underneath that helmet of his, and half of SOLDIER might send him knowing looks every time they saw him now, but at least Zack didn’t have people literally following him through the streets whispering about how much they wanted to fuck him. Gaia, didn’t they know anything about SOLDIER hearing? Or did they really just not care?

“Should we go save him?” Kunsel asked.

“Yeah.”

Zack ran over to the three women who were not-so-subtly stalking Sephiroth. He lifted his chin and straightened his back as he rested his hands on his hips. “Hey ladies!”

There was a split second where they had that look on their faces - the one that asked who exactly Zack thought he was and why exactly he was interrupting their creepy Sephiroth hunting time - before one of them gasped and pointed at him.

“You’re in Keepers of Honor!”

Zack took a step back. What? The membership lists were supposed to be _private_!

The second girl nodded quickly. “In the special edition newsletter!”

“There’s a special edition?” Zack’s gaze darted between the four of them. He’d never gotten any special edition!

“Uh, well…” The third girl looked at the others. “You wouldn’t have gotten it, even if you were a member. Would have probably been too awkward, ya know?” She gave him a guilty smile.

“The ‘Puppy Power’ one, right?” Kunsel asked, coming to stand beside Zack. He nodded ever-so-slightly towards the side street that Sephiroth was currently escaping through. Sephiroth gave Zack a small wave when he caught Zack’s eye.

Zack pretended to focus on the conversation. Not that that was hard. Seriously? A ‘Puppy Power’ edition?

“Is that what it’s called?” Zack rubbed at the back of his neck. Damn it, Angeal.

One of the girls snapped a picture. Zack blinked. “This is so going to Sarah. She’ll love it.” The girl seemed to realize that she was maybe being a little weird, and added, “You’ll let me send it, right? You’re her favorite, you know.”

“I am?” 

The girls all nodded.

Zack jumped up and pumped his fist into the air. Oh yeah! First official fan! One of the PHSes fell out of his pocket at the sudden motion. 

Oh crap. Zack picked it up and turned it over in his hands. No damage. Thank goodness any equipment issued to SOLDIERs was designed to take a beating. 

“Don’t you have something you need to do with that?” Kunsel asked, tilting his head towards the PHS.

Zack stared at it for a moment - something to do? - and then his eyes widened as he remembered. Shitshitshit. He spun around and made to dash off, only to abort the motion halfway through. It ended with him stumbling forward a step, which one of the girls was more than happy to catch on camera.

What did it matter? Like Kunsel had said, even if they hadn’t seen it by now - an unlikely prospect considering how long it’d been since he’d sent it - they would still hear about it later.

“You know, rumors are that the General only checks his PHS a couple of times a day.”

…And that he wasn’t the type of guy to sit around listening to gossip. It’d be only one less, but one less was one more than zero!

“Right! Gotta go. See you later.” He waved at Kunsel and winked at the ladies. One of the girls snapped another picture.

“You know, if you ladies want photos, I have some on my PHS,” Kunsel offered.

Zack stepped back, eyes wide. 

Kunsel turned towards him. “Shouldn’t you be going?”

Zack’s head whipped back and forth between Kunsel and the alleyway. Between the _probably_ innocent pics of him in swim trunks or dancing on top of a train that one time or something like that or the highest-ranking member of the SOLDIER program watching a kinky orgy porn sent to him by one Zack Fair. Damn it. He went after Sephiroth. He’d get Kunsel back for his betrayal later.

He caught sight of Sephiroth in the ShinRa building, just as the elevator doors were closing in front of him.

“Wait!” Zack waved his arms frantically as he came barreling through the lobby at full speed. He wasn’t going to make it.

Sephiroth placed a hand against one of the doors, preventing it from closing. 

It gave Zack enough time to slip in and make a painful stop against the back of the elevator. The doors dinged close as Sephiroth moved his hand, and Zack was granted a moment to suck in the beautiful, beautiful air that had escaped him in his mad dash to catch Sephiroth.

Sephiroth’s brow crinkled. “Your stopping time is inadequate. You should perform more pacers.”

Zack tried not to wince. He didn’t _mind_ pacers specifically: all they were was running to a line, stopping, running back to the start, and then running to a more distant line. Nothing too terrible. But the number of them they made new SOLDIERs do after their initial enhancements caused the word to bring about an instinctual “oh Gaia no” reaction. 

Pacers may have been a great way to teach new SOLDIERs how to control their speed, but they were also a great way to teach new SOLDIERs the true meaning of fear.

Zack had had nightmares about them for weeks afterwards.

He sucked in one last glorious breath and then pulled himself together. “Sorry. Normally I don’t run into things.” Sephiroth looked dubious about that claim. “Uh, so this is a little abrupt, but can I have your PHS for a moment, sir?”

Sephiroth ran his eyes up and down him. 

“…Yes.” Sephiroth dug it out of his pocket and dropped it into Zack’s outstretched hand.

Zack flipped it open and went into the recent messages. The one from him had already been read. 

“Your face is reddening,” Sephiroth commented.

Zack looked up from the PHS to find Sephiroth watching him with the sort of uncertain curiosity you might find in someone who’d just discovered an adorable new animal, but who wasn’t certain if said animal might take their hand off if they tried to pet it. 

Right. Sephiroth was notoriously odd. Maybe he’d looked at the porn and thought nothing of it? Did Sephiroth even know what porn _was?_ It didn’t seem like the kind of thing the Science Department would have educated him on…if the rumors of his life inside said department were to be believed, anyway.

Zack flipped the PHS shut. “All good. Thanks, sir.”

Sephiroth nodded. 

They waited in semi-awkward silence as the elevator trudged back up to the 51st Floor.

Finally it arrived, and it was just after Sephiroth had stepped out the doors that he turned to give Zack a grin. “You have…interesting taste in adult entertainment. I wouldn’t be adverse to seeing more of your collection.”

Zack’s mouth dropped open, but what could he even say to that? _Sephiroth_ had complimented his taste in porn. _Sephiroth_ had told him to send him _more_ porn.

He stood there gaping like a fish as the elevator doors closed on him.

Zack gave the SOLDIER Floor another pass-through, since it was only a couple of floors down, but by now the news had spread and every second SOLDIER he passed had some comment to give him or a request for more. A few leered in his general direction without saying anything and one even made a swipe for his ass that Zack had to dodge with an awkward “sorry, taken!”

He stared at the ground as he made his way back to the elevator. 

Zack punched in the number for the SOLDIER Second apartments. There was no choice left. He’d been right before: he had to move far, far away where no one would ever recognize him. He’d convince Angeal to tell everyone he’d died on a mission and then he’d change his name and move away for a few years. He’d come back later when their memories of him had dulled. He’d wear a helmet like Kunsel and refuse to ever take it off. He’d pretend he’d been one of those unlucky souls assigned to Goblin Island, and that’s why nobody had ever heard of him.

Maybe he’d even have Cloud teach him Nibel so that he could pretend he didn’t speak very good Midgardian whenever anyone asked him any awkward questions…like why Zack Fair had died (very heroically) only to eventually be replaced by this unknown guy with the exact same build and the exact same fighting style, who’d somehow also convinced Angeal to mentor him and Cloud to give him kisses in the “secret” storage room that everybody knew about.

Oh yeah, he’d have to take Cloud with him. He could probably convince Angeal to kill him off as well, if he promised to do those meditation techniques Angeal was always trying to get him to try.

As if pulled in by the Lure of his thoughts, Zack opened his apartment door to find his very own chocobo scrunched up on the end of his sofa, reading what looked like one of the gardening books Angeal had lent him. 

“Finding new and exciting ways to tend to Aerith’s flowers?” Zack asked. 

“Something like that.” Cloud smiled up at him as he came over to the sofa. 

Zack cupped his face in his hands and bent down to give him a big smooch on the lips. 

Cloud blinked when Zack pulled away. Gaia! He was so cute! It was decided: Zack had to take him with him, no if, ands, or buts about it! He’d carry him over his shoulder kicking and screaming the entire way if he had to.

But hopefully that wouldn’t be necessary.

Zack dropped down to one knee in front of Cloud. “So, I’ve been thinking, how would you like to pretend to die on a mission and run away with me and then come back in three years with secret identities?”

Cloud pressed a hand against his forehead. “Did they give you too much mako again?”

“What? No!” Zack pulled his hand down and then kissed it. Cloud’s lips quirked up. “I…may have sent everyone in my contacts that same link I sent you earlier.”

It took a second to process, and then Cloud’s mouth formed a tight line as he sucked his lips inward. 

“Don’t laugh!” 

Cloud’s expression tightened.

“Spikey!” Zack whined.

Cloud faltered, his smile breaking through before he could get it back under control. He gave Zack a faux serious nod as he patted him on the head. “That’s…That’s too bad.”

“Ugh.” Zack slumped against Cloud’s legs. Cloud shifted from patting him to running his fingers through his hair. “Tell me you still love me.” Zack gazed up at him with big puppy eyes.

“Well, I don’t know. Apparently you send porn to unknown people…”

Zack pounced, digging his fingers into Cloud’s sides as the other man squirmed and tried to get away. “A real boyfriend would stick with his lover through thick and thin!”

“Stop! Stop! I’m sorry!”

Zack paused.

Cloud gave him a cheeky grin. “‘Thick and thin’? Is that the name of the next porno you’re gonna send everyone?” 

“Why you! I’ll teach you to laugh at my misfortune!” Zack attacked again, this time ramping it up to the point that Cloud completely slipped off the side of the sofa. He had to show his chocobo just how _deeply_ hurt he was by his mockery.

“I-” Cloud laughed. “I didn’t- didn’t know-” He wriggled down onto his back and kicked out at Zack. Zack grabbed his legs and held them underneath one arm while he continued his assault with the other. “-you knew-” Cloud sucked in quick breaths as he tried to get air in between his giggles. “-such a big word!”

“I’ll show you a big word.” Zack released his legs, and in one smooth move picked Cloud up and tossed him back onto the sofa before straddling his lap. He kept up the tickling until tears were streaming down Cloud’s face and his breathing had been interrupted to the point that Zack was starting to worry that he might have to Revive him if he kept it up for much longer.

“Stop! I’m gonna pee!”

Zack leaned back and allowed Cloud to catch his breath, though his fingers hovered over his sides, ready to get their revenge if Cloud decided to get mouthy again.

After a moment, once Cloud had regained enough control to relax back into the sofa cushions without heaving, Zack bent to kiss him once more. Soft lips parted for him and their tongues played together for a moment before he pulled away. The grin Cloud gave him was dazzling.

Cloud’s hands glided up his legs and along his stomach. Zack shuddered. 

“Your PHS is about to fall out.” Cloud tugged it out of his pocket. Blond eyebrows drew together as he examined it. “This isn’t yours.” Cloud turned it over to show Zack the “AAQ” written on the side. 

Oh yeah. He probably should have taken those out before engaging in a one-sided tickle war. Hopefully he hadn’t butt-dialed anyone. 

Huh. If he’d been sitting on Cloud at the time…would that have been considered Cloud-dialing?

“I got a bunch of them today.” Zack started emptying his pockets onto Cloud’s chest. Cloud looked like he didn’t know if he should pout that cute pout of his or scrunch up his face into that even cuter look of annoyance. “I have to erase the message I sent them before I give them back.”

“Why didn’t you erase it and give it back while they were with you?”

“Lack of time. And I didn’t really want them to ask what I was doing.” Zack gave him a sheepish grin.

“You didn’t say why you needed them?”

“Nah. I just said that I did. Though the ‘why’ is probably all over ShinRa by now.” Zack leaned over the PHSes to smother his face into Cloud’s shoulder. He felt Cloud press a kiss against his neck. 

“So you said you wanted their PHSes without any explanation, and they just gave them to you, no questions asked?” 

“Yeah.” Zack’s voice was muffled by Cloud’s uniform.

Cloud kissed him again. “That’s Zack Fair for you.”

Zack sat back up. “What do you mean?”

Cloud shook his head. “Nothing.” 

Zack didn’t push it. Cloud had a fond glint in his eye that was good enough for him. 

“So, how soon do you have to get these back to them?”

Zack heard the unspoken question: do we have time to fool around or do we have to deal with these first?

“Not right away.” Zack’s fingers traced Cloud’s belt buckle. 

Blue eyes not yet tinted with the shine of mako roamed over the PHSes scattered between them. “Better put these away, then.”

Zack rubbed his palm against Cloud’s erection. “Yeah, we’d better.” He bent down to lick Cloud’s Adam’s apple when it bobbed.

“Hey Zack,” Cloud asked, his voice clearly strained as Zack began sucking on his jugular.

“Hmm?” 

“How do you know who each PHS belongs to?”

Zack froze.

Shit.

**Author's Note:**

> So, what did you guys think? I'd love to hear your opinions on my silly little Zack fic.
> 
> (Also, we're all just going to ignore the fact that I didn't realize until after the second edit that the PHSes might potentially have some sort of lock screen on them. Fuuuu-)


End file.
